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When I read the results, all I could think was: Everybody hates black women! I remember looking around at the people in my all-white department and thinking, My God, no matter what I do to try to meet someone, at the end of the day, the main thing people see is that I’m black.

Their chart made it painfully clear: When a woman on the site sends a message, her likelihood of getting a response is much higher if she’s any race but black. The data made me feel hopeless about finding a partner.

Man poses as woman on dating site to prove his point.

Man assumes women have it easy because they get a ton of attention.

It was idyllic in some ways—I can’t thank my parents enough for busting their asses through far more intolerant times than my own to make it our home—but being an “other” in a nearly homogeneous community had a profoundly destabilizing effect on my identity.

I didn’t recognize myself in the portrayals of black life I saw in pop culture, the few other black kids at my schools couldn’t understand why I “talked so white,” and nobody got why my first celebrity crush was Jeff Goldblum in (so scary, so sweaty, so sexy—am I right? And while I went full Becky in my youth, my older brother fell deep into Asian culture—Asian drag racing and, yes, Asian girlfriends.

While all of my friends were joining dating apps, I was having babies; thus, I am not exactly a source of wisdom when it comes to crafting a profile and choosing the perfect pictures to go alongside.

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I married the best friend of a guy I met in a bar right out of college and mercifully escaped the modern dating scene.

, like, “a guy told me he was looking for a girlfriend by next year so he’d have someone to split rent with.” Then there was the charmer who told his date about the time he “got wasted, peed and mopped it up with his clothes, and then wore them.” Um, yeah.

, we’d like to assume you know better than to make mistakes like these.

’” — Kristen, 27 The problem..the solution: Aside from the obvious inappropriate nature of the comment to a complete stranger, men should never mention their physical characteristics or their own body parts in an introductory message.

Women are easily scared away online, so you should avoid saying anything remotely controversial or predatory.

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